Advice for IVF that doesn’t help... And what actually does.
If you are navigating infertility and IVF chances are you have had well meaning friends give “advice”. “It’ll happen when you stop trying”, “Have you tried… xyz”, “Just go on vacation”. As a therapist that specializes in supporting women through infertility and trying to conceive this gets me angry! It is not helpful when anyone makes these kind of comments. It also shuts down meaningful conversations that could make a big difference. This “advice” also furthers the stigma and shame around infertility suggesting that getting pregnant is that simple. When in reality, it isn’t. There are many factors such as ovulation, health, age, gender, etc. that impact fertility (Mayo Clinic). To minimize an individual's fertility needs to “just try…” is not helpful. Women deserve real support!
My hope in writing this is not to shame anyone who has responded in this way. This is advice many women have received, and hey, maybe it did work for them. It is time for us to change the conversations around fertility to be more thoughtful, informed, and supportive. My intention is to educate on practical ways to support yourself, your friend, or anyone trying to conceive.
Instead of…
“It’ll happen when you least expect it”
“Just try..”
“Have you tried…”
“Stop trying…’
Try these…
1. Get consent!
“Do you want to talk about it?” This creates safety first. By checking in if someone wants to talk about their fertility journey you are giving the option for them to say yes or no rather than assuming. This is helpful because it may vary day to day. Some days it feels good to talk about it and some days it doesn’t feel supportive.
2. Ask open ended questions.
“What has your experience been like?” or “How are you coping?” Asking open ended questions allows space for real conversations. They aren’t leading or setting up a yes/no answer.
3. Validate.
Listen to the feelings and validate the experience. This may sound like “I hear you”, “I’m here for you”, “What you’re feeling is valid” etc. This can feel a lot better than “Don’t worry”.
4. Offer real support.
Ask what support is needed. “Would it be okay for me to check in with you this week?” or “How can I help you this week during your transfer? I’d love to bring you dinner, can I drop off something?.”) Asking opens the conversation and allows them to tell you what they might need.
This is just a starting point in how to support anyone going through IVF or for yourself in asking others for help. These conversations are so important to have and aid in building authentic conversations beyond the surface.
